December 6, 2017
How can we simply trust that the world/the universe/God will give us all we need? How can we believe that abundance surrounds us and is attainable? I have asked these questions since leaving a full-time job in May of 2016. I have slowly dwindled down my paid working hours to a mere 6 hours per week, sometimes 7, if I’m lucky. THAT’S INSANE!? Right? Well, maybe. It took me over a year to allow myself to launch into this lifestyle. Leading up until now, I worked about 30 hours a week (so, semi-full-time), but without benefits or a 401K. It was as if I wasn’t ready to commit to following my dreams, so I had to stay tethered to the island of security with a decent paying job, but still a level down from when I had a “real” job.
So, I am on day three of ‘living my dream’, meaning, ONLY teaching yoga, actually doing the work my masters program requires of me, and throwing myself into my internship 110%. Teaching yoga is my only source of income, which is terrifying. I need to say it. I am uncomfortable. I’m scared. I feel like I could cry, but that feels silly because a paycheck is simply paper. Yes, money means I can buy things, but as of now, I have enough saved up to continue to keep a roof over my head, buy groceries, go out to dinner on an occasion, and even buy Christmas presents for loved ones. So WHAT is my deal!? That 2nd chakra of mine really has some convoluted beliefs around money and financial stability. Living without anxiety could be as simple as trusting and letting go.
After lunch today, when I hemmed and hawed about going to get coffee because it felt silly to spend the $3.75 when I can easily make coffee at home, my “trust” in the universe prevailed. I went to get the damn coffee. I even passed the first coffee place I drove by, just in case I changed my mind. However, the second pink and orange sign lured me in and as I drove past a man stuffing his face with donuts, I continued to have doubts. I ordered my almond milk latte, which of course is extra money. As I waited for the three cars ahead of me to go through the drive thru lane, I began to have a complete internal break-down of why and how I am making a huge mistake in my life. I am stupid to quit a perfectly good job to WHAT, work from home….without getting paid? My time blocking skills these past few days have been great, but today felt off. When my private client scheduled for 3pm cancelled, I suddenly had a gap in my afternoon that made me lose all urgency or desire to follow my schedule...hence why I skipped my scheduled afternoon walk and decided to go grab a coffee. How can I expect to work for 9 months without a single paycheck amounting to more than $200!?! I’ve heard that if you really want money, you need to go and get it. Meaning, find a way to make it. See it as a challenge. Put on a workshop and visualize 20 people attending and they each pay $30! That sounds so simple, but it doesn’t feel that way. Plus, I’d realistically only do one workshop a month, and that doesn't seem like enough money. So, I come back to the idea that I need to have faith. My internship will be a paid position upon my graduation, if not sooner, and that will be plenty. Then I get frustrated feeling like if I let myself count on my internship turning into a HUGE opportunity, then I give up on myself and my own dream. I guess my dream is to help people, and if it’s under the wing of my mentor, then my mission is still accomplished. I just don’t want to give up on my dream, even if it’s still developing. That’s why I’m here writing this blog. This is for MY dream. For me to help people, just like yourself, combat anxiety and revive their desire to live. Phew. There’s my drive thru anxiety.
The three cars ahead of me go through and it’s my turn to pay. I reach into my wallet to grab cash, so that I don’t need to worry about paying a high credit card bill next month, and the server simply smiles and says, “the woman ahead of you paid for your drink.” I MEAN COME ON WORLD!? How GOOD, no, MAGNIFICENT, is God? The coffee is something so silly, but it legitimately sent me into a spiral of anxiety in the mere seconds I had to sit in the drive thru. I have never had someone ahead of me in line do such a thing! I wish I had thought to hand my $5 dollar bill to the server and say “ok, give this to the person behind me.” However, I didn’t think of that until I had already taken my coffee and began to exit the lane. Maybe in a year, or even sooner, when I’ve fully accepted an attitude of abundance, I will always pay for the person behind me in the drive thru lane. I don’t know if that woman knew how much that made my day, or how she became the topic of my FIRST BLOG POST EVER, but I truly left in a place of gratitude. She was my coffee angel for the day; a reminder from above that I am on the right path for me, and God/the universe/the world will provide. Always.